I was abused, plain and simple, both emotionally and physically. I cannot sit here and tell you which of the two was worse than the other or haunted me the most for so many years. I cannot also sit here and lie to you and say that it does not in some small way still effect me and my life, I have to struggle to push it's scars aside on some days.
I can tell you that after so many years away from it that I stopped regretting what happened, no I am not glad it happened, I merely don't regret it as in so many ways it forced me in to becoming who I really am. I am a woman who is strong, independent, caring, financially secure, owns her own home and drives a Mercedes, all bought and earned by my own hard work. Now you may ask how did the abuse I took make me that way and help me achieve those things? It's simple, before when I was married I depended on him for everything, I was a wimp and afraid of the entire world and all people.
It started with my Father, who, while not physically abusive to me was emotionally abusive. I was never going to accomplish anything in his eyes and I was a mouse, timid that anything I said or did would set him off in to a tirade. From there it moved to my husband, emotionally abusive in the same way, so I was again like a mouse, never out going, never standing up for myself, just staying in the shadows where I thought I belonged and remained for four years. Then the day came when I did laundry wrong and took a physical beating, from then on anything I did domestically not to his liking ended in a beating then anal rape and more beating. This continued and I like every other abused woman kept foolishly thinking that it was some how my fault and I must work harder and be better. I too made excuses for all the bruises. Which of course did not work and subjected me to more beatings.
Then the day came, that fateful day where something inside of me took hold and a new “Jen” was born. I cannot remember my domestic mistake, but I remember being on the kitchen floor being kicked and curled in a ball trying to escape the pain. Then it just happened, something in me awoke, got up, and grabbed a steak knife, for the first time he just froze, I looked him in the eyes with no more fear in me and simply said “One of us is not leaving here alive tonight, and it's not going to be me.” He immediately fled the house and I found that come what may I was going to fight for life. Needless to say the marriage ended that night, for months of separation he tried to intimidate me, but I held no more fear and laughed at every word he said. I told him bring your worse on, and ready for blood. He never did. An abuser wants control, once you take that from them they have lost. I decided then and there that quiet and mousy was getting me no where. I finished my college degree, became a private banker and now have an understanding of the human mind that I would not have had otherwise.
I can smell an abuser a mile away, and take one look at a woman to know she is a victim. I try to encourage them and tell them my story. I tell them the scars remain but that not all men will do this. There are many out there who love a woman who allows her own mind to be free and seen. I tell you , if you are an abused woman, do not be afraid. Find the courage you have in you and speak up, to someone, anyone.
Also remember that most people are good, don't look for that bad in every person you meet, open your mind and heart and make friends. You will know the ones to avoid, you will know because you are now a veteran.
So, no I have no regrets, I am who I am today because of the experience. My only regret is that I could not find out who I really was and what I was capable of achieving before going through all that. None the less I love who I am and I hope that all out there experiencing abusive relationships can reach that point of self love and desire to really live, because let me tell you, it is a beautiful world out there and life is worth truly living.
