So, as I sit alone in my chilly house, eating a delicious lean cuisine, I begin to ponder my new life. It isn't a life I was born into and it wasn't my destiny - I am a military spouse. We are a different breed, I tell you . and unless you've been there you cannot possibly begin to understand. A bulletin my sister posted really got me thinking, it's crazy how a career choice that wasn't even your own can have such a HUGE impact on your life.
I'm not going to lie. Sometimes it's just hard. It's almost like when you finally get used to having them close at night, you roll over onto a cold empty side of the bed again. It's startling too. So much that it often wakes you up to nothing but thoughts. You wonder if he's sleeping ok and if he's dreaming about you and then your mind begins to wander to the dark and scary place. What happens if .....It's a whole sleepless night of that mindless nonsense. Your days apart from your spouse become foggy until you hear that phone ring. If it's an unidentified number, your heart almost stops, but if it's his, you breathe an instant sigh of relief. and god forbid there be an unexpected knock at your door - you don't even understand what that feeling is. For the entire time your spouse is gone you are constantly on edge. Civilians just don't understand what the words TDY or Deployment mean. In the small circle of military spouses it means emotional rollercoaster...approach at your own risk(and I'm not even joking.) one minute you feel like it's nice to have some me time, then you miss them, then you're worried and so on and so forth. The emotions never stop.
It's like when you marry into the military you pick up a sixth sense - knowing how to tell who's husband has been deployed. When you walk into the commisary and you see a person with no kids in civilian clothes with a cart full of tv dinners, chef boyardee, oodles of noodles and a gallon of death by chocolate ice cream (it's usually a pretty good sign that person is going home to an empty bed.) So you smile and they smile too because they notice your cart is full of the same things . Just yesterday, when I got my hair done this woman came in to get a hair cut with her year old son. She handed the woman an old picture and asked for her hair to be done like that. I couldn't help but notice it was a family portrait with her huband and the baby looked to be only a couple of weeks old. When the woman was done with her hair the girl looked into the mirror and began to cry. She kept apologizing and looking down at her picture. When the hair dresser asked her what was wrong, she explained that it she thought if she looked like she did in that picture it might be easier for her to feel as happy as she did when it was taken. The hair dresser smiled and asked when her husband would be home. The girl replied 10 weeks in counting and every single person in that salon rejoiced.
A military spouse rejoices in the littlest stuff, but I think it makes life greater. You learn to not take any moment with your spouse forgranted because in one quick second that moment might end for up to a year. You learn serious patience. It's hard not to get mad at your spouse for leaving you alone for so long, but they're just doing thier job. You learn that you can never ever, ever say the words I love you too much or give each other cute little kisses too often. The excess from when they're home has to make up for when they're gone. You have to laugh. If you don't - you're sure to cry. Trust me on this one. It's okay to put on their pajamas and pretend that it makes you closer to them. I guess, it's perfectly normal to feel that flutter of excitement too when you see their car in the driveway and to feel the sting of defeat when you remember that it hasn't moved for the past week and a half. I've learned that sometimes you just have to cry and you might as well not do it while you're on the phone with them. That's wasting valuable together talk time.Sometimes you just have lie when they ask if you're alright because telling them the truth about not being able to sleep without him there or wanting to cry everytime someone asks you when he's coming home would just break his heart. You must learn to stop being so codependant or you will be miserable. You just need to take it all in and sometimes you just have to observe other people. I meet alot of people where I work that just make me realize how lucky I am to have the man I'm married to. Sometimes it's just hearing someone else's story that makes you feel that tingle again - you know, the one that let's you know that love is still alive. Because it will be as long as you keep it living. The old saying abscence makes the heart grow fonder is true. Yes, it's hard right now. But 20 years from now, I'm going to look back and I'm going to hold my head up high and be proud. I'm going to be proud of the relationship that he and I built. Our love is going to be so strong after all of this that nothing can tear it down and nothing will even be able to compare to it. I'm proud to be part of that different breed. But mostly I'm just proud of my hubby!!
