I squeezed my wife's hand as she lay back on the examination table. The doctor spread the bluish goo on her belly and set the Doppler over it. I closed my eyes and listened.
Boom boom…boom boom…boom, boom. The sound I had been longing to hear for so long finally rang in my ears. The baby's heart screamed at me. I'm here! I'm here!
“Everything is perfect,” declared the doctor.
“Are you sure?” I questioned.
“Yes. They're both doing great.”
“Thank God.”
“Do you know what it is yet?” He asked.
“No. We don't want to know.” We replied together.
“Well what do you think it is?”
“I know he wants a boy.”
“I just want a healthy baby, ” I chimed in, with my heart pounding.
A long difficult journey finally took a positive turn. But, deep down inside pangs of apprehension remained from painful memories that I will never forget.
I had been ready for fatherhood soon after we married six and a half years ago. My wife is twelve years younger than me, so I agreed to wait until she was ready. I made a vow to never pressure her. I needed to make sure she arrived at this decision without my influence. So, I never brought up the subject on my own. I am proud to say, I stayed true to my word right up until that day finally arrived over four years ago.
“I've been thinking about it, and I'm ready to be a mom now.”
“Are you sure?” I asked.
“Yes. I'm positive.”
Thus began our journey to parenthood. It started with grand illusions of getting pregnant right away and starting a family within a year. We talked about things like finances, day care, names, godparents even babysitters.
In less than a year our plan began to take shape when Wendy became pregnant. Ten weeks into the pregnancy, just two days before I was to undergo major back surgery I heard those horrid words that no man ever wants to hear from his pregnant partner.
“Something's not right!”
“What's wrong?” I asked.
“This can't be good. I've been getting cramping on an off for a few hours and now it's getting really bad.”
“Maybe it's stretching or something,” I replied trying to stay positive.
She moaned and held her stomach as tears appeared in her eyes. “No. Something is really wrong.”
I never felt so helpless in all my life as a horrid reality began to take shape. The idea of watching my wife suffer through the physical and emotional agony of losing an unborn child never crossed my mind. Deep down inside I knew exactly what had started, but I could not let on. I kept my focus on her and somehow managed to stay calm.
We rushed to the hospital and within an hour had confirmation.
“I am so sorry,” the doctor told us. “The fetus did give way.”
I wanted more than anything to be the one lying on that hospital bed. I needed to take the pain and suffering away, but I knew I couldn't. She did not deserve this. I prayed so hard to wake up from a dreadful nightmare. Unfortunately, the heartbreak did not hide in my sleep.
I cannot imagine ever losing a child. That has to be the cruelest tragedy a parent could ever live through. But, this has to be a close second. I felt like someone had just ripped my heart out and threw it against the wall. As horrible as I felt, it could not possibly compared to the agony Wendy had to be experiencing.
Politely, the doctors and nurses left us alone for a while. We held each other and cried for what seemed like an eternity. Quickly I realized how much I needed my wife to be all right. My focus returned to her and I thanked God that I still had her.
We found out that miscarriages in a first pregnancy are not unusual. Sometimes a woman's body is not ready. Sometimes it is an indication that something did not develop correctly. Usually the exact cause is unknown. All of this information comforted us and renewed our faith. So, we pressed on determined to start our family.
Later that summer Wendy became pregnant again. Although leery, we approached the coming nine months with as much excitement as the first time. We breathed some relief when we surpassed the point of the first pregnancy's termination.
Mike