Well it's become quite evident that I've hit a point of manic depression yet again.
The days at work droll on and on but provide a minimal level of entertainment. The days off become a blur of sitting, Sleeping, Eating, Getting high, Repeat. Too much on my mind, expectations too high for myself. I'm very hard on myself..........and I can't seem to come to grips with that. I have talent, and yet I don't use it, I have many forms of medium in which I can vent my frustrations and channel my anxieties.......but I don't. Lethargy. I hate it.
It makes being who I am just that much more difficult. Work,Sleep,Stagnate.It's a vicious cycle that I aim to break and quickly.....hopefully. I need to vent, I need think, I need to work things out. Lacey's pregnancy still hasn't hit me yet either. To think.......I have a child with this woman I love and adore, it's coming and I can't do anything to support it,to take care of it or her......So I have to give it up, We have to. I'll rarely admit it, but a small part of me does want to be a father, but I Know I'd fail horribly at it.....and right now we can't financially and adequately take care of something that needs so much from two people who have so little.....two people afraid that what little left they have will be enough to save them from the uncertainty of the future. I'm tired all the time... I feel like I'm in a perpetual fog, just running on a treadmill and as soon as a ray of clarity is granted to me, another hurdle becomes my reward. I can't afford to lose it right now. I need to pull it together.
I have to be better than myself.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
