You never know what losing something is until it is gone. I know this very well first hand. Think about everything that you have in your life, whether it be a family member, a dog, a lover. Now think about what you have lost. Can you remember? It doesn't mean that they had to have died either. Maybe they just aren't in arms reach anymore. The specific subject that I am referring to right now is my sister. Her name is Kayla, and for the longest time I took her being apart of my life for granted. She'll always be there, she'll always be within an arms reach, and I'll never feel alone and without her. But you see that just didn't stay that way. My sister and I fought like crazy and didn't always see eye to eye. I took for granted the fights we had, the love we shared, the many birthdays, easters, and other such holidays. Brothers and sisters don't always get along anyhow right?
Then one day I realized how much I needed her and missed her. Two years ago, this thanksgiving, is when she left us. She went to California to live with her dad. It was only supposed to be until school started again the following year. But she is still there and she isn't coming home. It hurt a lot when she first left. I was there the night she left. I cried and told her I loved her. She said she would call me and that I didn't need to cry. God I miss her so much. God has helped me through, but the journey isn't over yet.
It was only a few days ago that I realized fully that I have lost her. You can't know the feeling unless you go through it. And really the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that she is happy and doing so much better. I am so proud of her, and I wish that I could just wrap my arms around her and never let go. She isn't mouthy anymore and she now makes good grades in school. She has grown and matured so much in the last year and a half. And in just a few days she will be thirteen. My mom brought a school picture to work the other day, the day I realized that I have lost my sister. It didn't even really look like the same person.
You don't know just what you have until you lose it. And I didn't realize just what a great sister that I had, and now she isn't here for me to hug everyday, or kiss goodnight, or even say a small prayer with. She is so far away. I know it sounds like I am talking as if she died, but you have to understand that it feels like she has died. I know that she is alive and well, but she is so far away, and not seeing her has been the hardest thing to deal with. I am crying now just typing this about her. It is so hard without her here.
I haven't got to spend a christmas, or birthday, or an easter with her in almost two years now. And in just a few days it will be another birthday that she isn't here with us, her family. Each holiday just feels so empty at times, and I have to put on a brave and happy face for my family and my son, when inside I just feel like part of me is breaking a little more. I really just want to hug her right now and tell her that I love her so much. That she means the world to me.
Don't take for granted the time that God allows you to be with someone. Cherish it more than anything else in the world. Because before you know it they may not be there for you to hug or kiss, they may be so many miles away that you can't reach them. I do not envy those whose children leave to fight in the war. I am thankful for those who do go to stand couragous for our country. And I am proud of them, but I know what their families are going through, the only difference is the fact that thier families know that at any given moment something could go wrong and they might not ever see thier children again, but the pain is still the same. Not being able to talk to them when they want to, not hugging them, and not being with them on holidays. It isn't fun.
Just because they are your sister or your brother, don't ever take the time that you have them with you for granted. Don't always think, "Oh they will always be here." Is there someone you have been neglecting or treating unfairly just because they get on your nerves? Maybe you should go and hug them and tell them you love them...you never know it may be your last chance to hold them in your arms for a long time. I don't know when I will get to see my sister. It may be a year, maybe a couple of years, or I might not get to see her until she is 18 or I can afford for us to go down and visit her. But what I do know is that when I do get to see her agian, I am going to give her the biggest hug that this world has ever known. I want her to know that I love her and I am so proud of who she has become and what she is doing in her life right now. She is so much better now, and most of all she is happy. Happiness is all that I could ever ask for, for her to just be happy. I wouldn't trade her happiness for the world.
Kayla...I love you so much, and I miss you.
steph