Useless was a word I hated to hear. It was thrown around a lot when I was in ninth grade, and it brought me to a point in which I did not want to live. In a way it made me stronger than I was before, but it almost killed me. The only thing that stopped my suicidal thoughts was my friends and their need for help. I had a need to help others and I just felt like no one needed me at this time.
My mother was the one who first told me that I was useless and I had never done anything right. I hated hearing it because all I ever did was try to help. My mom's idea was that if she criticized me enough I would get stronger. My idea was that the more my mom criticized me the sharper my knife became. I never actually cut myself, but the knife was symbolism for my thoughts of suicide. As the knife became sharper my suicide became closer.
I now understand my mom, but at the time I did not. I later realized that my mother was mad at my brother for pretty well breaking every rule she had ever made. Because she did not know what else to do with her anger she just took it out on me and my sister. She had no idea it was making me want to commit suicide. I soon began drinking and hitting myself, sometimes with a belt on my arm and sometimes just hitting myself in the head with whatever was around. I did not drink much because it tasted horrible. I just wanted someone to see me doing these things and notice my pain. My life was going downhill and I thought this was where it would end.
When I got to school someone known as Jared Foster was the first one to notice that I was having troubles. He asked me what was wrong and I told him about my home life. He gave me a number to a child abuse center and told me to call them and say I was being emotionally abused. I never called because I knew foster care would be worse. He later noticed that I was still having troubles, but he did not know what to do.
The next thing people noticed was that I was never in a study hall. All my school years I never stayed in a study hall. I usually went and hung out with the elementary kids or my friends. On this occasion I snuck down to the gym to see the basketball players. I saw one kid who was really short playing. I had been watching him for weeks now at break. It was obvious to me that we had some meaning to each other. While I was watching he almost passed out. He asked me to bring him his Gatorade. After that I felt like someone had needed my help, so I felt better for about an hour. The problem was I still had to go home after that period was over.
The next help I got was in the form of Rachel. Rachel was a girl who had two snooty friends she did not need in my view. I hated her friends, but she was so nice to me. My sister hated her, but I did not care. She was my freedom from my troubles. We used to go sit in my calm place, also known as the steps to the front of my school. I went there when I was feeling like ending it all. Rachel was always nice and never criticized anything I did. I was just glad I had someone to hold on to.
Our relationship had one big flaw. I loved to help people and she made fun of an autistic kid named Andy. Andy was another kid who I felt I had a connection with. I knew he had autism because I can sense it when someone's autistic. I was born that way. Rachel and her two snooty friends were telling him not to read because he read slow and was retarded. Take it from me; if you ever want to end a relationship with someone stand up for someone else in a fight. I hated losing Rachel, but I knew it would be for the best in a way.
A couple of weeks went by. Andy and I did not meet yet. My home life was worse than ever and no one in my class believed that I was ready to end my life. I went to sit in my calm place. This time I was alone. Rachel had left my side soon after I left hers. I hated life and was ready to end it all. I took off my belt and decided I would tie it in a tree and hang myself. As I got up and turned around I saw Andy standing behind me. It was like God had sent down an angel to save me from making the biggest mistake of my life. "Someone threw my lunchbox on top of my locker. Can you help me get it down?" I went with him to get it down. I now call that lunchbox my safe box because if it had not have been there I may not have been saved. It was obvious God had planned this because there were plenty of people at that school who were taller than I was. Andy and I are now best friends.
When I later asked him if he remembered when we met he told me that he was not the one who saved my life. Jared had thrown the lunchbox on top of the locker and told him to ask me to get it. I was never expecting that, for I had forgotten Jared even knew about my life. My life was still edgy and my cousin noticed. She gave me information about a place called CHBR. This was the place that really saved me. I brought kids to Christ and I realized that was what I was needed for.
Now my life is filled with God, autism, and kids. I do not want to cure autism because I would be bored without it. I believe this experience let me know that God really does have a plan for everyone, including me.
