Note for the easily offended: crude and inappropriate content ahead.
Various firsts in a male's life put him further on the road to manhood. The first time you win in life, get into a fight, first time you have sex, fall in love, get your ass whooped and so on. All of these confirm certain parts of your being; they alter your world view and maybe even how you live your life. There is one first though that truly tests you on the road to enlightenment and true being... and that is the first time you wipe, wash and dry a total stranger's anus.
Especially the anus of a stranger who has for a long time been past the age of retirement.
I have no wish to put the elderly, infirm or otherwise incontinent down but until you've mopped up your first sloppy, grey-haired anus, you can't judge me and this is one of few outlets I have for this traumatizing, and unfortunately, recurring incident in my life. Everything from smell, sight, touch (thankfully through plastic gloves), hearing and, if it's potent enough, taste is assaulted, molested and sodimized. The poor bugger is constantly apologizing and all you can think in that little dark centre of your head is ‘don't vomit, blank face, straight ahead, wipe up and just get this (quite literally) bunch of crap done. Oh, and you sir need to learn to ask for a goddamn bedpan.' Of course it isn't that simple. I was lucky my first time to have delivered such a solid healthy loaf. Since this joyous occasion I have encountered many varieties. Runny or black or melted like chocolate or the green stuff so runny that it completely filled the adult nappy and was all over the poor guy's meat and veg. I pray that I never have to do that for a woman because (and I hate to know and say this) old women bits are just as droopy as old man bits.
Probably the best part of mopping up faecal matter is the look on your co-worker's face if it's a particularly big patient and hence a two person job: one to hold, one to get dirty. The uncomfortable looks, the shared experience and the inappropriate phrases: completely unrelated to this dirty topic, but my boss, when we were applying a condom catheter to an old black dude had to mention in front of the guy that he had an ‘elephant [phallus]'. Repeatedly.
About five or six times.
Also what's good about the joint effort is that only one person is going to do the main body of the clean-up. And if you know the patient's sore points then you can win this game every time, just got to make sure they roll towards you and expose the brownside to your colleague.
I love my job.
