There is a pain in my stomach that is constant and fresh. The pain used to be dull and now that I have decided to let my emotions run free I have felt extreme lows nearly constantly. I really feel like im losing my mind. I feel like my friends hate me and that one of them is plotting. I tried to talk to one of my non plotting friends and I felt the entire time that he felt I was insane and not worthy of consideration.
I feel like no matter who I tell what that they hate who I am and that they don't wanna listen. I think that was what I've been hiding in my stomach. Its that I know there is nothing I can do to make what I say worthy of anyones attention. I've strived so hard to make sure I didn't worry about that but its done nothing and I am here alone longing for acceptance.
I almost cried when I realized that I am not worthy, that my plans of being worthy are petty and are not going to work out. I should kill myself. I should kill myself I should kill myself if I don't I will regret it over and over and over for my whole life like right now I regret not having done it already. I know already that this time from me talking about it I will not go through with it, and I know that the decision for me to refrain from it is not something that I will look back and be glad about.
It bothers my pride a lot thinking of going crazy cause britnie will think she had such a profound effect on me that she is worth going crazy over I want her to know so much that she is really not worth anything like that. What she was worth was accepting that I would not ever have a smart kind and good looking woman so I settled for her. She left me for someone less good looking less kind and less smart. I want to cut her arms and legs off very much. that longing drive is part of how I know im going crazy.
