My girlfriend of two years broke up with me today. It's been a while since I've had to play the field, and it's got me thinking of the difficulties faced by zombies looking for a relationship in the outside world.
Sarah (name altered to protect the identity of the heartless ice witch) was a great girl, the likes of which you'd be blessed to find though the internet. That, by the way, is how I found her, the internet. A few weeks in, I was clear and open with her about my status as an undead American. I could not have been clearer, and by the end of the evening, I thought were we on the same page. Apparently, the page she was on was one that read “pale goth kid with delusions of undeath,” because when we met for the first time in person today she freaked out, shrieked a few choice obscenities, and made a mad rush for the door.
Therein lies the problem. The living, aside from a few ostracized but otherwise open minded individuals, aren't interested in a relationship (sexual or otherwise) with a corpse. Not even a walking, talking, and barely decomposing one such as myself.
I strive to be open and honest about everything with a potential girlfriend. You can't really hide being a zombie in person, and forgetting to mention it ahead of time is going to put the breaks on a relationship right then and there. However, I'm at a loss as to what to do to avoid getting into the same situation I was just in, where she just thinks I'm being “eccentric.” I guess I could always just place an ad in the paper seeking out necrophiliacs.
Until next time, braaiiins…
