The sky’s heavy with black clouds, they hang over 95 like they're waiting for me. It's dark, too dark, and I can't see anything except those clouds and the red lights of the car in front of me. Some start to my new life.
I tilt the back mirror up. There's nothing to see there either. No lights, no nothing. What was I thinking, looking back? It's not like I'll see Granddaddy waving from the porch or Mama standing in the kitchen holding a pot of chicken. Granddaddy's dead and Mama's not talking to me. And anyway, I'm too far away.
Six months ago, everything was so much simpler. Every morning I'd wake up to the smell of breakfast: the sweet, salty smell of bacon frying, maybe, or butter and cinnamon if Mama was making grits. She'd hum to herself as she cooked. I couldn't ever make out the tune. I thought it was just noise to fill the space.
After breakfast every morning, I'd help Mama with the dishes. Then I'd go back to my room and pretend to study for a while, but really I was just sitting with a book against my knees and staring into space.
Once while we were doing the dishes, I said to Mama, "Did you ever feel like you were meant to be living some other way than you are?"
Mama breathed in sharp. She took a plate off the dish rack and polished it with her towel. "What is this about, Elizabeth?"
"It's Ellie, Mama." I shook water off a plate. "And nothing. I was just wondering is all."
"That's an awful funny thing to be wondering about," Mama said. She looked at me sideways, her lips were pressed together tight. All of a sudden her face looked way too round. "Now what's going on?"
"Nothing. I just..." There was no light anywhere in Mama’s eyes. "Forget it."
Mama didn't say anything for a while. She stood at the window over the sink, looking out without seeing, while she went through the motions of wiping the dishes. After a time, she said, "You got a class today?"
"You know I do. Why?"
"Your granddaddy could use a visit, if you have time."
"Class's done at three, I could drop by after."
"No, don't trouble yourself." Mama's eyes were dead again. "He won't want visitors that late."
I looked sideways at Mama. She was staring into the dish towel while she folded it. Her shoulders were square, they told me she wouldn't answer me if I said anything.
"Don't stand here gawking at me," Mama said. "You've got a class, go get ready for it." She slipped her wedding ring back on. She never takes it off unless she's washing dishes even though no one's seen or heard from my daddy since before I was born. As the diamonds sparkled in the sun, I wished Mama didn't hold herself too tight to talk to.
My cell phone rang just as I was leaving. I threw my backpack onto the bed and felt around in the pockets til I found it.
"Hey country girl!" My best friend Jessi's voice came loud through the phone, full of energy I never had anymore.
"Hey." My voice echoed in my ear. "How's Boston treating you?"
"There is just so much to do here. You can never imagine it, being stuck in that tiny town your mama calls home. Why, just last night..." Jessi rambled on and on about how amazing life in a real city was. I put on my backpack and headed for the door.
I was halfway down the sidewalk before I realized Jessi wasn't talking anymore. For a minute the air between us was just dead. Then Jessi said, "El? You still there?"
"Yeah. I'm here. Sorry." A boy came driving a bicycle the wrong way down the sidewalk. I moved onto the curb to avoid being run into. "Just concentrating on walking to class that's all."
"What all are you taking this term?" Jessi's voice was just a little bit flat.
"Couple of lit courses." I stopped under the oak tree at the end of the block and stared up at the leaves. They were turning orange, a couple of them had fallen away already. "Poetry and all that kind of stuff."
