Winter dragged on. I went through the motions of living my life: wake up, eat, do dishes, go to class, hang out with David, come home, check the mail. One afternoon I got a small, thin envelope from Emerson College, but it was just a letter telling me I'd missed the early decision deadline and that my application would be held over til spring. I kept checking the mail anyway, but nothing else came.
One afternoon I said to David, "I wish I would hear now."
David put his hand on my shoulder. I made myself stiff automatically. This had been happening more and more as of late, him touching me I mean, and every time it did something inside me shifted. I was afraid of giving in to whatever it was.
David dropped his hand. "Sorry." I didn't answer. He tightened up his zipper even though it was already at the top of his jacket and tilted his head towards the sky. His ears stuck out even more than usual, the cold was turning them red. "Look how heavy those clouds are," he said. "I'll be surprised if it don't snow tonight."
I glanced up at the sky. It was gray and ugly. "I wish it was spring," I said, my voice caught itself on something. I swallowed, the back of my throat stung and I made a face without meaning to.
David folded himself up against the cold. "Oh, it'll come before we know it," he said. "And summer... it'll be so hot we won't be able to remember this cold." He scraped something off the bottom of his shoe. "And you'll be gone."
I stared down at my shoes. They were all dirty and beat up. I twisted the end of a frayed lace round my finger. "I'd better go before it gets dark."
"Let me walk you home."
I wasn't sure if David was asking or telling, but this one time I nodded.
The three blocks to my house seemed to have stretched themselves out over the whole city. We walked side by side, with just enough space between us. We were being too careful of the invisible boundary between ourselves to speak.
Mama was in the doorway as we rounded the corner in front of the house. I could just make her out in the darkness, she looked like a shadow coming from behind the screen door. "Is that your house?" David asked, and I nodded. He waved to me as I marched stiffly up the driveway.
"Any mail?" I said.
"No. Was that the boy you told Granddaddy about?"
"Uh huh." I pushed past Mama to get to the computer. "You sure about the mail?" I turned the computer on. It hummed loud like an airplane taking off but the screen stayed black. I played with the mouse while I waited.
The computer took forever to come up, and I swear, Mama was staring at me the whole time. I ignored her til I'd checked my e-mail. Nothing but advertisements. I let my arrow hover over the close button, aching for something else to do online. Mama was still staring. I closed my email.
Mama's eyes were burning onto my back. I turned to face her. "What?"
"Excuse me, ma'am, don't talk to me like that." Mama came across the room and looked over my shoulder. I made the mouse go around in circles, wishing she'd go away. "I swear, Elizabeth, I don't know who you are any more."
Here we go. I rolled my eyes.
"You've got some boy you won't talk about and all you care about is going away. What has happened to change you like this?"
"Mama, please."
"No. Don't 'Mama, please' me. Lately your world's been revolving around your need to run from this town as fast as you can possibly go. But you know what? Other people's lives are going on too. My daddy—your granddaddy--is dying. When are you going to pull your head out of those clouds it's stuck in and visit him?"
I swirled the mouse around and around, trying to look busy. "I'll go see him."
Mama stared me down til I turned towards her. "Make it soon. He hasn't got a whole lot of time."
"Mama..." I was going to tell her she was being melodramatic, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. A rock solid feeling in my chest told me she was right.
The weather got colder and colder. One morning it snowed just a little bit and school was closed. I thought about going to see Granddaddy then, but I'd been away for far too long and I couldn't make myself go the six blocks to his house.
