Suicidal Thoughts

Don't try to help me, it's not what I seek

Though desperately it's what I yearn for

I want too many things at once

So I turn inward to myself, face my problems

But truly, no, I ignore them

I dull them

Numb them down and pretend they don't exist

And say, “Woe is me, no-one cares!”

When all await on the sidelines;

Some cheer

Some cry

And some watch with empty eyes

I know if courage is mine

News will spread, those I did not know will know me

So I challenge myself, pull myself

To what I know I do not know

As I feel sorry for myself and all my problems

Which in my mind are unsolvable

But what is really unsolvable

Is my fear of pain, of pushing through and holding on

Because I know if I hold on, the problems will fade

Will die

Long whiles

But fear of waiting for their death

Cowardly

Is what makes up my mind

And yet the same cowardess

Keeps me here

For we cling to pathetically to life

It is all we know and we love it so

As my spirit says, “No more, give up…”

My will to live and stay familiar

Holds me back

“Coward,” says life

“Coward,” says death

And I cry as living things go by

They remind me of this world

Of what I plan to leave

And when I stand alone

I face myself in the mirror

I see not only my image, but also my image

I see my feelings and dreams I had when I was young

Was small

The things I planned to be

The plans I aspired to make

And I cry again

For I know I'll lose these things

And I do not know what I will gain

Death is a shadow at night

And a light in a room

For we do not what it holds

It knows

Or what it leads to

But we fear it

Because we fear what we do not know

Cannot control

I drop my way of death, shake my head

Razors clatters on the floor

Spiked drink spills beneath the door

Train flies by, and yet no-one is beneath it

Crushed to the rail

“Coward,” says life

“Coward,” says death

“But I can wait,”

Though many things will happen in this life

To all, none is certain

Solid, true

For we live and cry and try

We look ahead

And at the end, is death

The dark tunnel

The place in the sky, or below ground

Nothing

It doesn't matter what we think of,

Fear it

Love it

Watch it spread

For it is all that is certain in this world

Whether we take it on ourselves

Or it waits until we cannot even remember life

The phone rings

Click

“Please don't do it…”