That's it. I slept my full 3 hours. I am fully awake now with the haunting remnants of a reality based bad dream laced with what could be elements of truth. The truth, these days, makes me sick to my stomach and in an odd way, liberates me at the same time. "What you don't know won't hurt you." That is a truckload of crap. Whatyou don't know will kill you if you care at all. It's the truth that sets you free. If only the truth would come, perhaps my insane confusion and pain would subside.
In my dream, I made a surprise visit to 'her'. I was told, upon arrival that she was sleeping and so I was going to just sticks my head in the door and watch her as she slept. This always gave me peace. As I neared her bedroom door, I saw a faint glow of light which signaled either a nightlight or reading lamp. I tiptoed to be sure not to wake her. When I stuck my head in the door, she was indeed reading and the room was filled with the kids having made pallets on the floor. I smiled, andwhispered, "How's my beautiful lady as Irevealedthe vase of roses I had intended to just leave by her bed to signal that I had been there in the night?" She held her arms out for me to come to her. All of the kids also scurried to the bed. I could read their minds, "Yes! A slumber party like old times."There were our 4, but there was also a boy - too old to be in the same room with the girls. I looked at him oddly, a little perplexed and confused. Then it hit me. This is *his* son. My heart tried to sink, but I fought to keep in afloat. I sat on the side of the bed close to her. The boy's eyes watched me closely. I tried to pretend that I was not alarmed by his presence. That's me - always playing dumb, even when I know otherwise. As I gently placed my had on the small of her back and kissed her cheek, I could see the boys eyebrows furrow - a frown, and look of confusion crossed his face. Once again, I pretended to ignore it. The girls came crawling onto my lap, throwing their arms around my neck, telling me that they love and miss me, and asking if I was going to stay the night. I responded with a riddle, that would keep them thinking but would neither affirm nor deny at this point whether I would be there when they woke up. As they shook the bed, I goosed their rib cages and gave them fun instructions to encourage going to sleep. The girls laid down. The boy remained sitting, looking confused and not entirely comfortable. She was noticeably uncomfortable. This was not what I intended, and the better person inside of me stepped up to the challenge. "You must be Jacob" and as I looked at her, "This is Steve's son?" She started to respond, and I could hear the 'explanation' coming, how he was just spending the night. I quickly interrupted her, knowing that if she continued that the boy would recognize the lie and be hurt or more confused by it. "It's okay. No need to explain." And I quickly turned my attention to him, "I am your moms friend from a long time ago. She has told me so much about you and your dad. I am happy to meet you. You are as handsome as she says you are!" I felt sick. I just validated her. I just lied to a child to protect her, to save his confusion and angst. I kept him from telling his dad something that would anger him enough to question, hurt, or even abandon her. But at the same time, I let her know that I was not surprised and she witnessed that despite her betrayal of me and my heart, that I treated her with only respect, dignity, tenderness and love. I think that threw her. She looked a combination of scared, shamed, and grateful. The boy smiled, and laid down to go to sleep. She looked at me. "Why did you just do that?" My response, "My love should never bring you pain - not from me and not from another, because of me." I kissed her forehead, and wished her goodnight and I left the room. With me, I took the roses that I had brought her.
As I was disposing of them in the kitchen, she approached and asked why I was throwing them away. I took her hand and looked deeply into her eyes. "If Steven sees these, he will question you. It would cause a conflict that I don't want to be responsible for. You deserve better."
