“You’re a real bitch!”, that was poor Nicca shouting at me the other day when we had our phone conversation. Who’s Nicca? Well, she just happened to be Bien’s wife, while Bien just happened to be my lover.
Bitch. Many had called me that. Even my own parents regarded me so. There was only one person who loved me and believed in me inspite of, only Jasmine.
Jasmine’s my younger sister. We were six children in the family, four boys and us, two girls. Fortunately, I turned out to be the black sheep. That was what they say, so I thought I might as well portray the role very well. I dropped school before I finished secondary level (after all, I’m a birdbrain as my brothers told me). Then I left home after father shouted at me I’m useless. Being alone, I hopped from one of my friend’s house to another at first. Until finally, I agreed to live with my boyfriend, Alex, at age sixteen. When the relationship was too bickering for comfort, I left him without much ado. Then I had my trial-and-error affairs – there was Jonas, Patrick, Sam, etc. But as time went by, as I shared the bed with different men, I also learned how to benefit myself at their expense. Mr. Wong gave me a car, Ceazar bought me a condo unit, and others made it in cash and (other) kind. Maybe in this aspect, I’ve used my scanty brain at last.
However, I must admit that my life’s a real jumble. I attempted suicide thrice. I really laugh at myself each time I think of my unsuccessful tries. With this I’d like to believe that my brothers were right. I’m really dumb. Imagine, I can’t even kill myself right, ha-ha. I just wasted on hospital bills!
But through all these mess, Jasmine was there. She was the only one by my side since my family disowned me right after I left home. Jasmine sneaks her way to me every once in awhile. She was not only a sister to me, she was my best friend. And for that I promised myself I’ll always be there for her too, that I’d do anything for her, to love her and protect her.
Yes, Jasmine may had been the family’s favorite – the good one, the smart one, the patient, the kind (thank goodness they can’t deny the fact that I’m prettier, hehe!). Nevertheless, I felt no ire, jealousy nor envy towards her for she didn’t mind the comment and the treatment at all. She told everybody that all she knew was I am her sister, and that she loves me, period. She was the only person in the family who didn’t feel ashamed of hanging out with me (though done discreetly and so seldom), and of letting other people know we’re sisters. All the rest wanted to obliterate me. Oh well, they had their reasons.
And so I lived a hellish life down here on earth. I’ve learned to accept that. Got no choice anyway. Many times I looked for a chance to live a new life then. I loved and trusted, but nobody dared try to make it true with a woman with such a past. Thus I continued with my subtle whoring. At least I belong to the “elite” group – I choose when, with whom, and how much. I’d learned to make myself comfortable with it by possessing a marble heart and numb emotions. Living with wanton people, I made it a point never to be at the losing end. Yet when that particular event happened, I lost total grip of myself, I felt the whole world crumbled down on me – that was when I lost Jasmine, when she took her own life!
All I remember was that she was in love. Thru her stories then, I learned about the man. That he was a successful businessman, that he was so sweet and caring, and that he was dead serious with Jasmine, soon to be marrying her. I was so happy for her. At least my sister will live a wonderful life, I told myself. Even if I’ll shoulder all the madness of the world as long as she settles well and lives happily. But the unexpected thing happened, her suicide. Oh how I wish she was as dumb as me! But she was not, she did it properly. My only consolation was, she didn’t left me wondering. Even in the end, she was still kind to me. She answered all my whys in her letter.
“You’re a real bitch!”, Nicca’s voice echoed in my ear again. I enjoyed that other day’s phone talk indeed.
