AR is a planet. It doesn't really matter where it is. Suffice it to say AR is. Because you see it's the people of AR that I'm going to tell you about and if that involves the odd bit of description of the place itself, well so be it. AR men, as they say.
There's one major characteristic common to all people of AR. It's major because it's something that you don't find anywhere else, among any community anywhere in this world and possibly this universe. But then, AR is not of this universe, as you will soon see.
On AR all the people are female. Yes, you've got it - no males of any sort exist there, not a milligram of testosterone is to be found there, neither a scrotum, nor a testicle; not even a rudimentary penis or a sniff of a prostate. No voices break or wet dreams spurt forth in the night, there are no foreskins to circumcise and no vasectomies to perform. More to the point, there are no dirty socks to pick up, no mysteriously lost items that only someone with a womb can find, and best of all…no dribbles on the toilet seat!
So, I hear you ask, who are these amazing creatures? Can they really be women as we know them? How do they reproduce themselves? Who mends their computers and television sets? Who plumbs in their washing machines and tinkers with their cars? Who, for goodness sake, puts up the odd shelf and Artexes their ceilings? And more to the bloody point, who brings home their bacon and fights their wars for them?
Ah AR!
Believe it or not, they do-it-all themselves!
Now, before you start to wonder if this is going to turn out to be one of those annoying TV adverts and brace yourself for the sickeningly familiar sound of some idiot pretending to be a shop assistant telling you that you can do it if you B and Q it, read on. You might learn something to your advantage and it definitely won't be that there's 50% off rawl plugs all this week when you buy six tins of Dulux.
I'll be honest. I was lying before when I said it didn't matter where this amazing place was. It does. That's because it exists in a parallel universe to ours, a universe where something odd happened to the human genome.
God was having a bad day, you see. She'd woken up with a tension headache which promised to develop into a migraine. She was sure she had a spot coming on her left cheek and her tights had run. It was creation day for Universe 625 and she really needed to be on top form but she was feeling irritable and bloated and to make matters worse there were seven Archangels and three lost souls waiting to see her before breakfast. She knew afterwards that she should have sent them away or referred them to St. Petra but she had her reputation to think of. So, like you do, she heaved a long suffering sigh, dabbed a bit of spot cream on the budding zits, swallowed a couple of paracetamol and got stuck in with sorting out their problems.
Each one of them had a petty grievance, and each one of them expected her to work miracles for them (Who did they think she was, God?). One by one, they humbled and bumbled into her Heavenly Office, genuflecting and prostrating themselves before her Heavenly Throne asking her "why?" this and "why?" that. Why, why, why, oh why? Their whining voices seemed to get louder and louder until after the ninth lot of "whys?" God could stand no more of it. She raised herself up to her full height, blew her stack and issued a Holy Edict. Summoning up her most thunderous and awesome voice, she declared:
“From this day forward I will have NO MORE WHYS!!!!”
And that's exactly what happened!
Universe 625 was created and because the word of God is always taken literally, there wasn't a Y chromosome to be found anywhere in it. Matter had to frantically rearrange itself to comply with the latest Holy Edict and all it could muster at such short notice was a same sex chromosome that was later called AR, in honour of the first word that God uttered after banishing WHY forever.
As a shocked and reverential silence descended and Archangels and lost souls cowered, trembling on their knees (especially those with Y chromosomes), God looked round and smiled contentedly:
“AR!” she said, “Now, that's MUCH better!” and in every universe created since that word was spoken, men simply ceased to exist. Just like that. (I knew you'd be impressed with all this science. Clever stuff, hey?)
And because AR was the first planet to coalesce in Universe 625, God fondly gave it the name AR, and decreed that all the women in it would look just like her - minus the zits, of course.
So what's life like on AR, then? You may well ask. Well, it's the fourth planet of a solar system which has 25 other planets and is to be found at the far left hand corner of Universe 625, which for some inexplicable reason is a perfect square. Personally, I think God was going through a Cubist Period that year because around that time she created ninety six other universes all of which turned out to be angular.
Anyway, that's beside the point. AR itself is cuboid (no, it's nothing at all like the Borg thing; this is reality not Star Wars!). As you'd expect, of course, AR doesn't have two Polar Regions like Earth. Instead it has Corners. On AR it makes perfectly logical sense to talk about the Four Corners of the World. In fact everything on AR is logical, efficient and rational - just as you'd expect a world inhabited solely by females to be.
Everyone could iron and there wasn't a single soul who didn't know how to turn on an oven or load a dishwasher. No-one patronised anyone else (by its very definition, a male trait) or criticised anyone's driving. And because no-one had to compete for male attention the old female trait of bitchiness simply faded away. Without realising it, God had created Heaven on AR and on those annoying days when being God got to be a bit of a pain in the halo, She wished she was a mere mortal and lived there.
So girls, if it's good enough for God, it's good enough for me. Trouble is how to get there? A mother ship? That could be a bit tricky. I'm no engineering genius; in fact I don't know one end of a hammer from the other. I'll just have to persuade the bloke I can easily live without to do it…… hmm could take a while, he' still not fixed the toilet yet and I've asked him a million times… AR well, I can dream….
