"Do you know why I apply kohl around my eyes? It takes away the pain that only I see because I cannot carry it with me. My green lenses cover my true color. I don't want anyone to know who I am. Everywhere I have a different role to play - a career women, a friend, a colleague and I have to try my best to paste a plastic smile and act happy when my internal demons fight a long raging battle with each other."
"I drown myself in work because it numbs my mind and heart. It does not let me think of bygone moments - moments of love, moments of togetherness, moments where we could just be us."
"But the nights seem so long. Do you know the only way to have a dreamless sleep? Pop a sleeping pill and go off into the deep chasm of numbness. Wake up and start the whole rigmarole of work and even more work."
"Caffeine gives my day the perfect kick start. I prefer it without sugar. It adds more to the bitterness in my heart. I should stop calling it bitterness, its emptiness. An empty heart is worse than death. When nobody stays there, when you don't wait for someone to come home the heart gets sad. I wonder why I use the word heart. All my scientific knowledge tells me that the heart is incapable of thinking. Yet, when he left I could feel a deep pain and sense of loss there."
"I want to remember it all today and I have to do it before I apply my kohl. I can't let my black tears show. I am the epitome of a successful woman, where young women in my organization try to emulate me. I tell them not to because there is not a bigger failure than me but the words never form and I leave it at that."
"The mind stops and the protective shell shatters. I stopped him, begged him and pleaded but he did not want to stay. I was 22 years old then - very young and immature more so. I said sorry, I did everything you do to hold your love back but love is a free bird, isn't it? You can't hold it and you can't cage it. When you try, you fail. The only solution is to let it go praying that it comes back and hoping that when it does you will do everything in your might to make it better."
"I lied and I cheated but I did it all so that he always remains happy, so that I don't hurt him. But lies don't have a very long life. And this is what happened.."
"He said that he would not be able to trust me anymore. He said I had broken his trust and faith. He would never believe me. He said I played games with him. He said I would never stop because lying is sown deep in my soul. I try to reason with him but he does not listen. It is best to let the relationship go. I do not want him to lick his wounds alone. I want to be with him and it hurts me that I did this to him. I don't know if it was right or wrong but anything which destroys him is well worth the trash can. I am unable to convince him. He doesn't want this relationship. I let him go because I want him to be happy, because I know am not the person who can keep him happy."
"I am 28 years old today. It has been 6 years. I have not heard from him but I am still waiting. My close friends call this foolishness, my parents have given up. I don't want to listen to them because all I want to do is wait. The one dream I have had is to have his baby and if it can't be his, I won't marry. No amount of reasoning convinces me and my friends finally leave. My parents still love me though but it is not the love that can nourish my soul."
"In my heart of hearts, I know that I will meet him one day. I know that he would be married now, possibly have kids too. I pray everyday for his happiness because it is important for me."
"I go to the bathroom and bawl. It is something which I end up doing almost every week because I can't carry this baggage to work. I turn on the water and let it take away the hotness of my tears. I get up when I feel light. I dress carefully to hide my angst. I apply my kohl and leave."
