I came into my office that morning with a horrendous hangover. This was nothing particularly unusual but there are just some days when the sunlight is an unwelcome guest and my sunglasses aren’t enough to keep him out. I was just looking forward to sinking down behind my desk and surfing the net for some kind of porn. Given the mood I was in it was probably going to be something truly disgusting too.
I pulled into the tiny parking lot and headed upstairs, pausing to wave at Mr. Kelley who runs the small deli beneath the office I call home. He waved back and smiled in that way he always waves and smiles and makes you wonder exactly what it is about preparing sandwiches for old Jewish people that makes you smile so much.
I headed up the stairs and welcome darkness enveloped me. I paused at the top of the stairs to let the rush of blood that hit my head and made it throb like it might explode for several moments. Then I turned the doorknob and walked into the outer office.
“Well,” said my secretary, “you look like hell.”
“Can’t you just say good morning like a normal person?” I asked.
“Can’t you show up on time and when you’re supposed to like a normal person?” She replied.
That was Julie, my blond receptionist slash secretary. She was gorgeous, of course, and probably could have found a job at any respectable place anywhere in the world. However, when I first found her she was starring in porn films and she wasn’t quite old enough to be doing that and rocket towards full-on heroin addiction. Thanks to her father hiring me I was able to find her, rescue her and help her turn her life around. Ever since then she’d been working for me even though the office was a dingy mess, it stank and the pay stank even worse.
“I was out late last night,” I said.
“Yeah, I could tell,” she replied. “I had a call this morning from someone wanting to stop by. I told him to try to make it around one. I figured by then you would either be here or I would have a call from the cops telling me where to find your body.”
“I was hoping today was going to be quiet,” I said.
“Yeah, and I would like to get paid sometime this month,” she said.
“You’re a real sweetheart,” I said.
“That’s why you keep me around,” she said. “It’s only ten. You have plenty of time to drink lots of coffee, take a lot of aspirin and look at a lot of porn. You should be in fighting form by one.”
I groaned and stepped into my inner-office. I closed the door and Julie went back to typing and acting like a productive member of society. I made sure the blinds to the one window that overlooked the dingy alley was closed tight. I hung my jacket on the hook and sat down behind the desk. I opened the top drawer, managed to find three aspiring and chewed them up before turning on my computer.
I flicked the switch and listened to the sound of the motor humming to life. A few moments later and there was the sound of new e-mails pouring into my in-box. I checked and found most of them were from those places suggesting I need some kind of herbal erectile dysfunction medication. I deleted these. There was one from my brother I decided to read later and that about covered my official morning business.
I managed to stand and find some coffee. The stuff was fantastic. Julie bought and made the coffee so I knew it would be good. I have no idea what I would do without her. I started to feel somewhat human about noon. Julie brought me lunch and after some food I was almost ready for humanity. I am willing to bet I still smelled like a brewery and I hadn’t shaved in some time but I sure felt better than I had when I woke up that morning.
At one the man who had called arrived. I heard Julie welcome him and offer him something to drink. I heard him turn her down on the drink and then I heard her feet as she walked toward my office door. She opened the door just long enough to ensure that I hadn’t passed out and perhaps choked to death on my own vomit and then showed the guy in.
