When I was younger I kept a diary. I didn't have very many friends I could talk to, so I was my best friend. I really didn't trust anyone but myself because of how things were in my family. I have had a long life full of triumph and tragedy and this is where the story begins.
Ma's house always smelled of Lysol and mothballs. It was said that mothballs kept the mice away but in our three room house, I could not distinguish between the visiting mice and host.
May 03,1923
Dear My Best Friend:
Since we could not afford a car; we felt every bump and rock which leads to our wooden porch .Today seemed to be a really long day. Ma took me to Dr. Jenkins today. She told my Aunt L A that I was gonna go because I broke my leg. I knew that's what they told one another, when a girl may have been pregnant .Dr. Carl Jenkins was the only black doctor in a twenty-five mile radius. So the trip to doctor had to be serious if we were traveling that far I wish we had a car but Ma and Pa Charles can't drive and ain't tryin to learn. They so caught up in being uppity black folks that they can't see something new. We are not a poor family. Ma is school teacher down at the church. Papa Charles is a head cook down at the town's prestigious restaurant. Old people just can't see straight.
“So Dr. Jenkins is she pregnant?” said momma
“She sure did not break her leg,” said Dr. Jenkins. “She is very pregnant.”
Ma asked,” How much longer she got?”
Dr. Jenkins replied, “Maybe about five more months. The uterus is about four months.”
“But doctor she is just turned twelve and won't be thirteen till five months afta she has the baby. Who would make a baby with an eleven year old girl?” Ma said
Dr. Jenkins, “She is not torn if you were thinking she had been raped; so Mrs. Hill you don't have to worry about that. Someone has been having sexual intercourse with your daughter at an early age.”
Ma said, “So what you saying is; she isn't a virgin?”
Ma turned to me and said, “Sugar what you have to say?”
I said, “Ma I is a virgin, he don't know what he talking about.”
“Sugar it is I am and you are clearly not a virgin; you are pregnant.” said Ma.
That evening, ma was talking to Papa Charles about me. She never seemed to have anything positive to say about me but this day seemed to be full of compliments.
“Sugar is a small girl for her age. She has pretty sandy brown locks falling on her shoulder. It was said that she wouldn't make it to the age of five because she is a sickly child. She is well developed for her age. Her breasts are bigger than mine. She has the smoothest mocha skin tone and with the eyes full of wonderment and innocence; yet vibrant and full of life.” said Ma
Well Laura, I told you we should have watched that girl more at those town dances. She was really too young to be around those teenagers. You can't trust em'. said Papa Charles.
“I know one day this child would make me proud but she is the tarnation of this family.” said Ma.
May 12,1923
Dear My Best Friend,
I am really struggling. Ma and Papa Charles will not leave me alone. They always in me face bout me and my baby. I am afraid to tell them the truth that I don't know who my baby's pa is; Uncle D or the Sheriff's son Roscoe. Roscoe's been my boy friend for quite some time; even though it didn't start that way. We started by jus' going up to Alger's Lake. I would go up there by myself jus' to think and he would be there swimming. He came over and started talking to me but soon I found out who he really was. He called his self black mailing me and if I didn't give him a little of that black cootchie ; he would tell everyone that I was a little hot number giving it away to any and everybody. He of course was fives years younger than my uncle and four years older than me. I loves him now but I know it will never work just from how they say we can never live together. I am just so confused. Something is happening to my belly. It feels like fish swimming up and down stream. Why are my titties hurting? Po Ma, she has no idea what's going on. Maybe I should tell her but I am afraid she won't listen. She has always spoke so high of Uncle D.
