I begin working in NYC as an Interior landscaper, taking care of indoor plants for the rich and famous. I am working with my friend Phil and design and maintain plants indoors for wealthy and famous people, banks, restaurants, and malls. We serviced A & M Records, Liza Minelli, Ted Nugent, and many more.
Phil and I carried our plant equipment in backpacks and rode 10-speed racing bicycles through the cabs and traffic of New York City. We covered from Wall Street to the World Trade Center to uptown. We would race with the cabs and bike messengers. Talk about adrenaline rushes. At times we could catch the rhythm of green lights and fly for miles. We were so obsessed, that one day, Phil ran into the back of a truck. He went to the hospital and got stitches in his head and then was back on the street by afternoon.
We were on fire, no one could stop us. Batman and Robin.
I believe in having fun with any job you work at. It can be done – even in Kmart (more on those stories later!). One day I was working on a Bamboo Palm on the first floor of an elegant business building. About ten well-dressed people were waiting for the elevator. A small older woman with a heavy Brooklyn accent asks me for help for her houseplant.
"Ma’am, what kind of plant is it?" I ask her.
She replies, "I don’t know. It has green leaves."
God help me. I continue, "Okay, what’s the problem with your plant?"
"It won’t grow. It just sits there doing nothing."
I tell her in biological terms that every living organism receives stress from its lifestyle and that stress actually induces and promotes an evolutionary process of defense and growth. Therefore stress is good for the survival of the plant. Eyes from the elevator people are watching me, waiting to hear what I have to say. I’m very good at this. I continue in a very serious tone.
"Ma’am, what you need to do is take a broomstick and beat the plant down. This will induce it to grow new stalks and leaves. It will encourage profit from defense."
All eyes are on me now and a few mouths hang open. "What?!" the woman screams. "You want me to hit my plant?"
"That’s right, ma’am. I promise you’ll witness new growth and a brand new thriving plant." The rest of my audience is catching in and holding back laughter. What a nice way to break the ice of their boring business day, I think.
The woman is not getting it. "Are you kidding me?"
"Trust me," I say in all seriousness, "I have studied Botany for years."
She looks very doubtful but says, "All right, I’ll try it." Off she goes to beat her poor plant.
Phil had to hide in the janitor closet - he couldn’t keep it together.
I picture that woman telling her husband, "I have to beat this plant. The plant man says it will grow better."
Her husband no doubt mutters to himself, "How the hell did I marry this woman? She’s an idiot."
Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect identities and some characters are entirely fictional. All of the contents herein are based on memory – subjective memory. Therefore, the stories found on these pages, while based on real happenings, are subject to the tricky minefields of memory and cannot and should not be construed as fact.
