As always the same events, never changing, had second thoughts but still went along.
It just occured to me tht I'm feeling a bigger epidemic or dilemma everyday. I can't seem to runaway from this "One" because I quit fighting a long time ago. I have tried to leave and let go but its not easy. For some reason, I can't walk away and I am not wanting to let go. I know I keep falling apart but I really can't shake this off, I feel like if I do that all of the things I was trying to forget far a moment or as long as I can keep it that way will end up coming back at me full force. I know for a fact I'm not "well-equipped" to handle "my blessed mess" all at once. I know what I have to do but most of the things are decisions that really confuse me and involves unwanted stress and a whole bunch of pain. I want to avoid all this but I don't think there is any other way. I guess I'm afraid of facing what happens after its all said and done. I know I'm doing good right now but honestly I really don't have much that makes me want to stay at ground level. At least being this way now it takes some issues away, but has some drawbacks. I will eventually have to stop, but this has to be done with outside resources. Not from family, don't want to do any damage in the field, to me the solution is a home stability place, I figure if I'm not in the house and around a positive environment I will do okay. I'm sure nobody will susupect anything or even know the situation.
