It's something we all have to do, no matter how much we don't want to.
Die.
I have been thinking about my passing a lot lately. I don't know why? It seems I have this problem with death. When I was younger it didn't bother me as much. I guess I have been thinking a lot about it because my parents are getting older and I know one day I have to face the facts that I am going to have to say good bye to them one day. I get emotional when I think about it and my heart starts to hurt.
Is this normal? Should I be feeling like this already?
I'm turning 35 in January.
I have tried to set a few goals in my life, such as things I want to do before I die and I guess I may have triggered a subconscious fear of death. I don't want to die. I don't want my parents or my family to die. I'm being very selfish about this to myself. I know I have to do this and that I have no control over when or how it happens but I still have this fear of leaving things left undone. It gets so bad that I break out in a cold sweat and my heart literally skips a beat.
I have to learn to except this, right? I have to get this fear under control so that it doesn't interfere with my living life, right? I know that I am being very childish and that I can't stop the inevitable. I just want to know why I feel this way now? Am I going through some sort of mid life crisis already or am I starting to understand everything dies and we all will be gone one day? Whatever it is I just want to know that this is normal and I am not going crazy. I love my family so much and I want to accomplish so much more before I do pass.
I'm hoping that by writing this I can answer my own questions and figure out why I feel so uneasy with death. I am very lucky I haven't really been touched by death a whole lot. When my grandparents died I felt like they were in a better place because in life they were in so much pain because they were so sick before their passing. I guess I'm just afraid of the unknown. I'm afraid of losing control and leaving this world. Will it be like sleeping? Will I still be able to watch over the ones I leave behind? How will I be remembered?
I'm just going to have to get over it, ain't I? I have to let this fear go or it will consume me, won't it?
I have come to this conclusion, I have to leave it in God's hands or I'm going to miss out on a lot of life if I don't tell death to back off for a while. I guess I will have to write about my feelings more often so that I can work out my issues. I just want to know if there is anyone out there like me, scared and afraid of losing their families or their own lives. I want to know that I am sane in my feelings about death. I want to feel like I can handle it when my parents do pass. Right now, I do not feel like I could handle it. I know everything has a beginning and an end, I just don't want it to come to an end for my family.
