1. She lies in bed, the room dark and comfy. Wrapped in a feather comforter, she watches the shadows cast by flickering wicks, her thoughts running the gamut between what was, what is, and what may be. Perhaps she'd watched too many romance movies, but she wanted her fairy tale. Perhaps she'd find it, but who could say for sure?
2. When she was eighteen she met a skinhead boy trapped in a man's body. Strung out on white lines, he'd give her piggyback rides while she inhaled the scent of his leather jacket. She loved the smell of leather. They'd play putt-putt in the dark-he was a sore loser, so she let him win. In the middle of the night, when the damp air left a sheen of dew on her car, he'd write letters in the upper corner of the windshield-backwards so she could read them from her seat. These letters would eventually form a sentence. It was up to her to decipher their meaning. She never did.
3. When she was nineteen she met a punk rock boy trapped in a man's body. She gave him everything. He gave her nothing but silence. One day he began to speak. Like the pied piper, he led her on an eight-year journey. The past came full circle to create the present. She was pissed, but grateful.
4. When she was twenty she met a goth boy trapped in a man's body. Tall, skinny he was, with curly blonde Martin Gore hair. Classes called, but she declined their invitation for a rendezvous at the mall. She gave him black roses while he drained her soul. She swore she'd never again pursue a crush based on a haircut.
5. When she was twenty and a half she met a normal boy trapped in a man's body. She thought perhaps it would be better. "No more weirdos for me, thankyouverymuch." He lived in a trailer on his grandparents' property. They'd motor about in the darkness, playing Nitzer Ebb. She laughed every time they passed Lakeside Drive. Seven months came and went. Seven months it took her to realize he was the worst of all. Rivals unraveled and extracted the perfect revenge, so perhaps it was all worth it.
6. When she was twenty-one she met an alcoholic boy trapped in a man's body. Good-hearted, he tried to teach her to play tennis. She sucked. He told her she kissed like a demon. She thought it an appropriate description, somehow. Once he told her she should learn to keep her mouth shut. Drunk or not, she told him to go fuck himself. She would not be controlled.
7. When she was twenty-two she met a gutter punk boy trapped in a man's body. He was a plaything who rang her after being arrested so she could bail him out. She didn't. When he was jumped by a Florida redneck, she protected him. She had a scar to prove it. Hygiene stopped being important to him. He stopped being important to her. She decided an eighteen-year-old boy was just too young.
8. When she was twenty-three she met an Army boy trapped in a man's body. Lured by sweet talk and promises, she embarked on a transatlantic adventure. In search of a ring. She never found it.
9. When she was twenty-four she met a martial arts boy trapped in a man's body. He was afraid of her boldness. She found that funny. He cringed every time she stood up to someone. She wanted to call him Napoleon. After finding his roommates consorting with two fifteen-year-old girls high on pot and beer, he couldn't understand why she was so pissed. After finding his roommates consorting with two fifteen-year-old girls high on pot and beer, she couldn't understand why he wasn't.
10. When she was twenty-five she stopped meeting. Tired, reclusive, she stopped living.
11. When she was twenty-eight she met a rock star boy trapped in a man's body. She was smitten, despite the fact that he lived three-thousand miles away. Four years and hundreds of emails later she moved. Three-thousand miles. Just to see if she could jerk off the impossible. She couldn't.
12. When she was twenty-nine, she met a man, trapped in a man's body. From the Midwest to Europe she thought she'd found her fairy tale. Not perfection, but, perhaps, perfect for her. She was wrong. An overindulgence in serial killers scared her. He berated her like a child for a powdered sugar, whipped cream incident. She decided he was psychotic and left.
13. When she was thirty she met a man not trapped. He was her friend, brutal and honest. She appreciated that. No thoughts of fairy tales clouded her vision. Acceptance.
14. When she was thirty-three she met an overgrown frat boy trapped in a man's body. He liked to sit in the quiet of the night and exchange “remember when” stories with his brother while nestled next to her. They usually involved girls and bragging rights.
15. When she was thirty-five she met a gamer geek trapped in a man's body. She adored him. Fully. For the first time in her adult life she felt safe and content. That was right before she felt like gouging her heart out with a spoon.
16. O glorious day, when men were men and women were women. When the games of old were tucked away, when hindsight was twenty-twenty, when all was said and done, where would she be? Exactly where she was.
