Summertime sucks.
I enjoy celebrating our nation's freedom like every Joe Barbecue and Sally Firework, but I can't get along with the heat. Natural fact: people who are a little tubbly don't enjoy the heat, but even when I was but a little ginger, I enjoyed the icy grip of winter far better than the sun scorching slap of summer.
Summer is isolating to nerds and additional unpopular people.
The entire season is like a ninety five degree bitch slap to those whose skin doesn't offer the benefits of tanning, or even exposure. I grew up a pale skinny kid, and I slowly morphed into a pale tub of guts. Well, maybe "tub of guts" is stretchin' it a little bit, but I am working on shedding that belly as we speak, so maybe by Halloween, I'll be all sexy and what not.
But back to the subject at hand. Summer is pretty much the "Popular Kid" season. I can't remember how many times I swam while wearing a shirt. Or got sunburned. Or got plain "ol burned by the ladies. Think back a minute...have you ever been to a water park and saw a group of good looking people with that one awkward loser stumbling over everything while trying to cover himself up with a towel? That might have been me, but more importantly, this leads me to my point: Summer is not for the nerds. It"s for the popular jerks who drive sports cars, the bitchy girls who aren't as hot as they think they are, and that all-too-important tan line elimination.
It's a vacuous and mindless season. It's too hot to do anything, and if you find something cool to do, it's hard to scare anyone up to join you in your shenanigans. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy the fact that the summer is the time for the micro bikini top and the off (and incredibly rare) chance to rub oil on the shoulders of some wistful beauty who can't seem to remember where she left said top.
Summer can be cruel. The sun's rays drive the more creative of us indoors, and it's the time of year where the stupids run around unchecked and spread their equally stupid seed, eventually creating a whole new generation of stupids to plague the frighteningly low amount of intelligent people that still exist. But that's been happening for centuries, so it's not a new problem.
But there are bright and shining moments within this sweaty season. Every year, tons of morons are injured in accidents that are easily avoidable. Fireworks, shark attacks, barbecue mishaps...it makes the season easier to take when you read about some schmuck who caught a roman candle blast to the crotch, or the dipshit who went swimming near the docks and wound up face to face with Jaws. There are legitimate and terrible accidents, but the ones that are really bad are the ones perpetrated by morons.
Nerds know not to swim at dawn or dusk and DEFINITELY not near the docks where there are people FISHING. We also know that if a bottle rocket lands in your pocket, it's not cool to watch it explode. The nerds are the ones who have fun swimming in the ocean and blasting off fireworks. Ever wonder who watches those wonderful Discovery channel specials on sharks and reads the warning labels on the really big fireworks? Right here.
Stick with a nerd this summer. We may be unpopular, but we're more popular than having a foot bit off or a testicle exploded.
