The phone rang early the other morning waking Jen and I up from our deep sleep. Jen clawed her way across the bed to answer the phone. Though my head was still partially under the covers, I could hear the muttering on the other end of the line. Jen didn’t say much…but she didn’t need to…I knew what was happening. We had been through this before and survived! It was a “House Car Alert”!
We knew the drill. I scrambled to my feet like a firefighter going on a call in the middle of the night. I was still pulling my pants up as I ran down the hall. Jen in the meantime was alerting her brothers and sisters who lived in the area. Nobody knew where the House Car would stop. I went through several hurricanes before when I lived in the south. This was eerily similar. You knew it was coming but there wasn’t much one could do. You could prepare as well as you could but no one knew how big the damage path would be. She worked on keeping the kids quiet. I suggested Nyquil but that might not be a great idea. I ran to pull the blinds and as many curtains as I could in case of arrival. The house was dark and quiet. Crap….what about the cars I thought. I pulled each car out of the driveway and moved them around the corner. That should work I thought. While outside, I raised my nose into the wind. I was like a bloodhound. Over the years I had developed the ability to smell the House Car and its contents. My eyes watered in the chilling breeze but I could faintly smell the exhaust. It was only 30 minutes away. “Please God”, I prayed, “Don’t let it come here”! I ran back into the house making sure that all our bases were covered. It looked good. “T minus 5 minutes”, I yelled! Jen and I huddled behind the couch while the kids played quietly in their rooms. I thought to myself about Duct Tape to use on the kids. Bad idea, I used the last of it last week.
The wait was the worst part. Sweat dripped from my brow as I listened for anything unusual. I could hear the dogs whimper from the backyard and begin to bark more frequently. I heard about animals sensing earthquakes and other disasters, but the House Car? The barks became more furious. No, No, No! This can’t be happening. I moved like a soldier sliding on my belly towards the window. I peered from behind the curtains trying to look down the street. I breathed a sigh of relief. I began to make my return back to the couch and that’s when I heard it. The House Car!
I squinted as I saw it turn the corner. It mystically appeared out of a cloud of blue smoke lurching and chugging down the street. My jaw hung wide open as I watched the snail on wheels scrape against the curb in front of our house. I came to my senses as I wiped a trickle of drool from the corner of my mouth. There was still a chance, I thought, if we could just keep quiet. I sunk down below the window sill just enough that I could see over it. I watched as the driver door opened as smoke billowed out from inside the vehicle. The cab of the House Car raised up as if a great weight had been released. I could hear the creaks and cracks inside the house. I was terrified! I was now witness to the shadow of a ginormous figure stepping out of the smoke. I watched as he flicked a smoldering cigarette from his nicotine stained fingers onto the sidewalk. He began to lumber up the driveway stopping to pull up his Sansabelts and catch his breath as he gave his 350 pound frame a rest. I could hear his giant, wing- tipped shoes clop on the sidewalk and up the steps to the front door. Jen swallowed hard and blinked wondering what was next. I knew it was my only chance, so I dove for the rear of the couch tumbling and rolling the whole way. I made it!
My father in law’s bear like paws pounded on the door. I could see the door move violently with every rap. Jen covered her ears hoping not to hear each knock as it grew louder and louder. He bellowed out asking if anyone was home as we each covered our mouths making sure no sound was heard. We were home free! I began to stand up when I heard the jingle of keys, then a click, and the door flew open. Nooooo….he had made a key!
We were surely caught, but Jen squealed, “I can’t believe you’re here Dad, what a surprise”! She then grabbed my coffee, handed it to him and gave him a big hug. I could do nothing else except shake my head and laugh knowing he was not wise to our attempted deception.Th
